Don Khuth Chronicles

A while ago, I posted a video about a Japanese show where the comedians got punished if they laugh. That series was now as Silent Library. There were a few more of them but I found the classroom one to be very funny. The humour of the video has long gone but now I’ve come across another one.

This video appears to have the same comedian but it looks like it’s earlier in the season. I still find it funny but I feel sorry for the comedians more this time. Last time, they got hit in the ass with a stick. Now they’re getting hit elsewhere with a leather weapon.

It looks like they have to read a tongue twister of some sort. They have to read it fast and they cannot make any mistakes. If they get it wrong, they get slapped. I wouldn’t want to be on this show.

I’m getting close to passing out at work right now. Working the night shift on two hours worth of sleep wasn’t a good idea. I got to work and kept wanting to doze off every five to ten minutes. I didn’t have time to get coffee or nothing because I rush into town. So, I needed something to keep me entertained for a bit. I came across this dancing elf who looks rather familiar.

Watch dancing elf

Dear Santa Claus,

I haven’t written to you in a while. Actually, I don’t think I’ve written to you at all but it’s never too late. I’m all grown up now and I’m not a kid anymore so I’m probably not on your list. I don’t know if you have powers to detect if an adult has been naughty or nice so you’re probably wondering which category I fall under.

Well, I’ll let you in on a secret. I’ve been naughty. Not that I could help because there are too many stupid people in this world. Those stupid people were probably once kids that you left lump of coals for. You should have left them a lump of something else, something personal.

But you better not leave me a lump of something personal this year, you fat bastard. When I was little, I was probably the nicest kid in the world and I didn’t receive anything. I was nice all year round and I did my share of good deeds. But those good deeds went unnoticed.

You expect kids around the world to be good all year round but you only reward them once. Have you been good, Santa? I don’t think you have since it was probably you that came to my apartment one night, ate my cookies and drank my milk. And you didn’t leave me anything either. Heck, my friend 2n is still waiting for his present from 1982. We didn’t even have a chimney so how did you get in? Last time I checked, breaking and entering is a crime.

Know what else is a crime? Cruelty to animals. I think you should lose some weight. All those milk and cookies has added too much excess weight on you. If you didn’t weigh so much, maybe you wouldn’t need eight reindeers to pull you.

Since I’ve never received anything from you, I stopped believing in you. You and that ass clown Rudolph. What kind of weird ass reindeer has a light bulb for a nose? Did you genetically alter his DNA so he would turn out like that? You probably have an underground laboratory to conduct genetic research.

If you come to my house this year, make sure you watch the new shingles. We just had them installed this summer. It was a lot of work to get them installed. Of course, what would you know about hard work since you only work once a year. What exactly do you do during your 364 days off? Are you making a list that takes 182 days to complete? And then when you check it twice it takes another 182 days?

Anyway, I hope you have a nice flight on Christmas Eve. Again, lay off the milk and cookies. And please stop calling girls, not one but three times a ho. Mrs. Claus wouldn’t like it if you called her that. It’s just rude.

Love,
Don Khuth

I was talking to a friend the other night and we came across a topic that is considered taboo to some. It’s not a topic that most people talk about because it’s not socially acceptable. I’m talking about farting. Every time this topic comes up, no one says anything specifically to the point. If you were to walk in on a conversation about farting, you would probably have no idea what they’re talking about. The topic is usually covered up by euphemisms.

I have some friends who takes pride in their particularly odiferous emission. One friend in particular takes special pride in his farts. He has one of the deadliest farts around because it sneaks up on you unsuspectingly before it chokes you to death. The only way the victim can be forewarned about it is by the big grin on his face. This grin can put the Joker’s grin to shame. As soon as you see the grin, it’s a sign to get up and leave the area because it’s going to be marked as a biohazard danger zone.

The good thing about it was that we’re not in an enclosed area. He was kind enough to let one loose in an open spaced. It’s worse when he lets it rip while we’re driving in the car. I felt sorry for the guy who was sitting in the Hump.

If you don’t know what the hump is, it’s the passenger that sits in the middle at the back. The guy to the right of the driver is Shotgun, behind him is the Backseat Driver, next to him is the Hump and next to him is the Wingman.

When there’s hazardous gas in the car, the passenger sitting in the Hump position as no where to go. The others have access to a window that can be rolled down but the hump will have to use a home made gas mask. In this case, his shirt. If he’s got a good shirt, it will be sufficient to filter out an odour. If not, he will have to suffer.

The fart is hazards to everyone except the perpetrator. I don’t know why but for some reason you can’t smell your own fart. No matter how foul it is, it has no effect on you. It’s like your immune to it or something. But if your own fart knocks you out, I would suggest you seek out help because something must have crawled up your ass and died.

I wouldn’t want to be caught in an elevator when some one farts. That’s probably the worse place to be when deadly gases are lurking around in the air. An elevator is a confined space with little or not ventilation. If someone lets one rip in there, you might as well start praying. I’ve been in that situation before and let me tell you, I was scared for my life.

My stupid ass friend thought it would be funny to fart before getting off the elevator. Yes, it would have been funny if the elevator didn’t stop a floor early. It was funny and disgusting at the same time. I couldn’t help it but laugh because this poor sap doesn’t know what he’s just walked into. I tried to keep a straight face but almost burst out when the guy started sniffing and coughing. The crazy stuff that teenagers do eh.

Back when I was in grade two, I made a guy cry because I accused him of farting. It was lunch time so we were in the cafeteria having lunch. I had rice with eggs and soy sauce. I wasn’t sure what my friend had but it smelt like eggs. When the smell started to linger around in the air, I looked right at him and said, “Ahhhh man! What did you eat for lunch?” He replied “I had an egg salad sandwich.” “So it was you! Why you fart for? That’s rude!”

I packed up my stuff and moved down the table. The rest of the class saw me and asked why I moved. I told them that my friend farted and I couldn’t eat because it stunk so bad. They started laughing. My friend kept denying it but no one would believe him. I kind of felt sorry for now but he shouldn’t have farted. I don’t know what happened to him. I saw him again at a checker tournament but we didn’t talk much. We just greet each other and asked which school we went. That’s how we found we that we went to the same school. I didn’t want to say much in case it brought up the farting incident.

Nowadays, no one is ashamed when they fart, at least not my friends. They let a loud one rip and won’t even care. It’s loud enough to shake the table so it’s a big one. Sometimes they’ll even have a completion to see who’s got the stinkiest fart. I won’t want to known as the guy with the stinkiest fart in the group. But for some people, being number one is what counts. No matter what the category is.

I came across a video while on YouTube about a group of guys trying to teach people how to be Cambodian. It’s a funny ass video that I can relate to because I totally understand everything that’s they’re acting out. If you’re Cambodian, you’ll crack as well. If you’re not, you’ll probably thing we have a strange culture or something. Maybe for you, this video will be enlightening otherwise you’ve just wasted ten minutes of your life. Enjoy!

It’s funnier if you understand what they’re saying when they’re speaking Khmer. I haven’t read Cambodian in a while so I’m a little rusty in that department. If I’m not mistaken, the word at the end of the video is, “Leah haey” meaning “Goodbye!” It’s either that or something that sounds similar to that.

I got a little bored here at work so I just surfed around a bit, read some blogs and watched some videos. I was thinking of writing up a blog for tomorrow but I decided not to do that right now because I’ll have plenty of time for that tomorrow anyway.

I decided to surf on over to YouTube and I came across this video. Oh my god! I’ll tell you right now, I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. I actually started crying from laughing so much.

10 10!

I was chatting with a friend the last night and she mentioned that she just saw something on tv about a ‘No Scruf’ campaign. It’s a campaign where women will not shaven unless men do. I saw the commercial and it is not a pretty sight. I’ve seen a few hairy women around town and one or two is bad enough. But to have a whole group of them protesting, you better watch out. That’s scarier than being chased by Teletubbies.

The National Organization of Social Crusaders Repulsed by Unshaven Faces, or ‘NO SCRUF’ for short is an organization that was supposedly started on January 14, 2006. Oddly enough, that’s a day after my birthday. I wonder if they started rallying because of me. I haven’t shaved for a while either. Coincident? I think not. Here’s what they had to say.

NoScruf (National Organization of Social Crusaders Repulsed by Unshaven Faces) announced today its formation for the purpose of ending the trend of prickly, scratchy, unshaven faces. “To put it simply, we’re not going to shave until men do,” said founder and swimsuit model Terry Tarentelli.

Tarentelli said of her reasons for founding the organization, “It’s just not fair. We shave. We’re smooth. But somehow guys think it’s okay for them to be stubbly. They’ve left us with only one option. To fight hair with hair!

NoScruf is growing in numbers by the day, and expects the response among scruffy guys to be one of utter revulsion. One analyst noted, “We can project that this movement will bring the male community to its knees.” He continued, “If they cry and want their mommies too, well, that’s just gravy for NoScruf.”

I saw the video and all the girls in there are hot! The setting was during a protesting where the girls are behind some sort of barricade and they’re all chanting ‘No scruf! No scruf! No scruf!’ They show a few hairy women on the front line, speaking their minds. After they were done speaking, they raised their arms and started chanting. That is when you get to see their hairy armpits. But even the ones with the hairy armpits! It doesn’t seem like they’re going to win if all their spokesperson look hot with hairy armpits.

But in the commercial, they bring out the heavy artillery. Stubble Boy goes to a bar and sees a hot bartender. She turns around to ask him what he wants but he couldn’t say anything because he was shocked to she her uni-brow. I don’t care what gender or nationality you are but uni-brown looks funny of anybody. I think I have a light uni-brow going on right now.

Stubble Boy turns to see his girlfriend with a guy who is clean shaven. Actually, in the bar, everyone who hasn’t shaved is sitting around by themselves. There’s a fat guy who has a clean shaved face and he’s got two hot girls fighting over him. So, he sees his girlfriend with another guy. She seems to like the guy because he has a smooth face. She turns to look at him and shrugs. She goes in for the kiss and that’s when he wakes up from his nightmare and runs into the washroom to shave. After he’s done, he goes to join his girlfriend in bed. She turns and puts her leg on him so she goes to caress it to make sure that it was actually a dream. His girlfriend wakes up and says some stuff. He is suddenly frightened because he sees her with a full grown beard which turns out to be his imagination.

I don’t know what’s so bad about having a beard. I don’t have a thick one but if it does become thick it doesn’t hurt when I rub it. In their commercial, it showed a guy with a stubble who goes around town and encounters a lot of hairy women. I don’t know about anyone else but my stubbles have never been prickly enough to pop a balloon. I haven’t shaved in a while and I might keep it that way. I’m just too lazy to slap on some shaving cream and start shaving. I’ll shaving when I’m going somewhere important. If I was dating a girl who agrees with No Scruf and ends up being a bit hairy, I probably wouldn’t mind too much. It’s when she starts growing the uni-brow and the beard, that’s when I’ll start to get scared.

The crazy ideas that people come up with are pretty funny. Ladies, just say “no” to “No Scruf.” If you want your man to shave, ask him. If he doesn’t then tie him down and shave him while he’s sleeping. There’s no need for you to retaliate and start letting your armpit hair grow long. That’s not right on so many levels.

Visit the No Scruf Website

Since the day I started working in Brantford, I was introduced to some new phrases that I’ve never heard before. Some of them are pretty funny phrases. But they’re not phrases that I would use on a day to day basis. Seems like it is a day to day lingo around here.

On day one, my trainer used the phrase “grew legs” a lot, meaning something was stolen. I guess things got stolen a lot around here. I was under the impression that Brantford was so polluted that things “grew legs.” Turns out, that was just her way of warning the new trainees that theft is a big thing. When she first started working, she brought her lunch and left it in the fridge. Her lunch “grew legs” and took off with her bottled water. That’s an impressive magic trick if I ever see it. I guess theft is a problem no matter where you go.

Brantford doesn’t seem to have a lot of crime. Most of the crimes that happens are petty crimes like someone stealing food from Zehrs. It’s not like you can escape anywhere. This city is so small that just by working where I am, I’ve already met half of the people that live here. Wanna know how bad it is? Well, there are more people visiting the library than there are in the mall. The library is the most happenin’ place in this town. That’s scary.

“Brain farts.” I’m not sure exactly how it came out but there’s another one for you. To take the phrase literally, it’s physically impossible for your brain to fart. There’s no exit for the gas to escape. Figuratively speaking, “brain farts” are when you make a mistake while you’re doing one activity and then switching over to another. An example would be something like trying to fast forward your TV after you’ve just finished watching a video. For me, I’m usually switching between my PC and my laptop. My computer has a mouse but my laptop does, so I get into the habit of reaching for my mouse when there isn’t one. Sometimes, coincidently, I’ll have something lying around by my laptop and I’ll think that’s the mouse. I move that around a few times before actually noticing that it’s my wallet and not the mouse.

While we’re on the subject of farting, there’s another term I’ve heard a while back, “sharted.” That’s when you try to fart but accidentally shit yourself. Very embarrasing if anyone ever finds out you did that. You can probably detect if someone “sharted” because the smell lingers around longer than it should. If the brain can “shart” that would explain the term “shit for brains.”

Last but not least, here’s one I’ve heard for the first time today, “verbal diarrhea.” This term can mean a few things. One definition would be when you’re saying something the long way while it could be said in one word. A lot of companies do stuff like this all the time. So instead of calling someone a “computer guy,” that person is now the “Senior Operations Technician.”

Another definition for it would be when you’re trying to say one word but the wrong words keeps coming out. For example, “Yo! That mp3 player is whack… I mean it’s dope… I mean sick… I mean… ahhh forget it!” Or maybe it could just another way of saying you’re talking a lot of shit.

Feel free to use your newly introduced vocab but beware, it might mean something different in another city. Brantford is a small town so maybe word spreads about the definition of different phrases and stuff. Back in Hamilton, there’s a lot of pollution so it could be very possible to grew legs.

It has come to my attention, that these assassins are the worse of their kind. They inflict the most horrifying pain one can ever dare to imagine. If you met one of then, you better hide your ass.

I’m not kidding either. Kancho is a game that the Japanese kids play and from stories that my friends have told me, it’s played it here. I’m not sure if it’s considered a “game” but I don’t know what else to categorize it as. It may be fun for the person who’s on the offense but the one on defense better cover his ass.

To start off, what you do is, you put your hands together and fold down all your fingers except the index finger. For those of you who don’t know which is the index finger, it’s the one you use to pick your nose with. So you have your hands clasp with those two fingers sticking out. The next part is to find an unsuspecting victim, then you shove those fingers up their butt. Seriously! I think that’s the point of this game. It works best if you can find someone who’s squatting down. They’ve got their butt nice and wide for ya.

Up until now, I wasn’t sure if there was a name of this kind of thing, but turns out, the Japanese kids have been doing this for a while now. My friend told me once that his friend did it to some kid and made that kid puke. That’s a lot of shoving power to make someone do that. I feel sorry for that kid though. I prefer to keep my exit hole, an exit hole only, do no enter.

If you don’t wanna be a victim of the Kancho Assassin, you should wear baggy pants. It’s the perfect defense system because if you have baggy pants, the assassin won’t know where your butt is. Those guys who wear their pants down to their knees, they’ve got it made. If you try to Kancho Assassin their butt, you’ll come up empty.