September, 2007

Anger is a very strong emotion that can make things very messy. It can turn a nice person into a very violent individual. It’s an emotion that can override your logic circuit and make you do things that you wouldn’t normally do. And because it causes you to do abnormal things, it can cause a lot of harm that can’t be undone. You have to be very careful when you’re enraged with anger because you might do something you may regret.

My girlfriend and I has had our fair share of arguments but the last fight we had, things got a bit heated up. Like most of the fights we get into, it’s my fault for doing something stupid. Most of the time, I don’t realize that I’m doing something stupid. I’m just doing things because I do them. In the back of my mind, I don’t think that it’s something to be mad over but apparently it is. I don’t know why I do these stupid things and I’m mad at myself for doing them. When I look back at it, the things that I’ve done make it seem like I’m the stupidest smart guy there is.

A few nights ago, my girlfriend and I had planned on heading out to the country side and spending the night watching the stars. We had done this before and found that it was a very pleasant experience. We stayed inside car with the sunroof opened and wrapped up in a blanket. The air outside was a bit chilly but the blanket kept us warm. We finished watching a movie that we started watching at home and ate longan. We found that it was a very relaxing and enjoyable experience that we decided to do it again.

This time around, things didn’t go so well. We didn’t want to go to the same spot so we drove around for a bit. I don’t think I could have found that spot again anyway since it was most random turns. We found a dark country side road and decided to drive along there until we found something relatively dark. There were a few streets that we could have taken but I didn’t see those turns. I wasn’t wearing my eyeglasses so every turn looked like a driveway to someone’s house.

Then we came across a street and my girlfriend suggested that we turn on it but there was a car behind me and I didn’t have enough time to break. If I did, the car behind us would have rear-ended us. Since I didn’t make that turn, my girlfriend got fed up with me and told me that she wanted to go home. I know when she’s mad at me and when she’s mad at me, I don’t say a word. From previous experience, every time I say something when she’s mad, it ends up backfiring and makes her even madder. So I held my tongue until we got home.

When we got home, we continued our argument a bit more. I tried to defend my reason but I couldn’t get through. I know that I’ve ruined the night by taking a long time to get things done but I had a valid reason. I didn’t turn down those country side streets because I couldn’t see. I didn’t have my eyeglasses on. It’s bad enough that I can’t see far away let alone in the dark. There was one turn where my girlfriend informed me ahead of time but that turn was coming up close as well. I couldn’t slow down right away because there was a guy tailgating us. When you’re in the country side, there aren’t too many police patrol cars around so other drivers tend to speed. The driver behind me just happens to be doing that. If I had stepped on the brakes sudden and make that turn, we would have been rear-ended.

I was trying to tell my girlfriend these things but I think she was already mad at me that she didn’t listen. She wouldn’t believe a word I was saying. I got mad to the point where I just grabbed my eyeglasses and broke them. Normally, I wouldn’t go as far as that but this time around I just couldn’t hold on to my temper. That’s when I noticed that I’ve changed a bit.

The worst part is that my girlfriend tried to stop me from breaking my eyeglasses and she hurt herself. What’s even worse is that I don’t even remember hurting her. When I bent my eyeglasses in half, one of her finger was caught and started to blister. When I saw the blister I lost it and broke down. I had hurt the girl that I love and did not even realize it. At that point, I forgot about my anger and started comforting her.

I don’t get mad or lose my temper often but when I do, it can get a bit violent. I don’t turn violent on other people though. I’m the one that usually get hurt. When I lose my temper, I find myself punch things until something breaks or my knuckles bleed. I’ve been able to control my temper but it’s been bottled in for so long that I fell that it’s going to burst soon. I just hope that no one is around when that happens. I don’t want to hurt anyone when I’m enraged.