Anatomy of a word

It has been brought to my attention recently that my definition of the world isn’t as well defined as I thought it was. My understanding of it all is fairly vague and it’s not clearly defined as it should be. I guess in a way, this makes me naive since I don’t know exactly what I want.

I thought I knew exactly what I wanted in life but now I find that I’m second guessing myself. It’s helpful to get a perspective from someone else’s point of view on the matter since I cannot see things from all angles. I can see things my way but when it comes to seeing things from another perspective, I guess I’m not open-minded enough to see things their way.

There’s a motto, “Know thyself and thou shall know all the mysteries of the gods and of the universe.” Although I am not looking for an answer to the mysteries of the god or the universe, I am looking to find out who I am. I don’t know who I am. I know the things that I like to do and the things that are of interest to me but who am I as a person cannot me seen by my eyes alone.

Other people have a better view of who you are than you do. They see how you do things and they hear what you say. Seeing the world through one’s eyes is only half of the story. The other half comes from the person who is watching you do it. I’ve had people tell me things about myself that I never knew before. Some girl that I randomly met a couple years ago told me that my left eye brow always goes up every time she mentioned something that I found interesting. I didn’t even know that I was doing that in the first place and I wouldn’t have known if she hadn’t told me.

Sometimes, it’s hard to take in these critiques. Most of which you probably don’t agree with because it sounds like something you wouldn’t do. But if a lot of people are saying the same things about you, there has to be some truth in what they say. After all, majority does rule.

If you asked me to describe myself, I can give you a brief description. But if you were to ask me to elaborate on that, I wouldn’t know what to tell you. I just know I’m that way because I just am. I don’t know exactly why I do things the way I do. I just do them that way. I’m not a neurologist so I can’t say exactly why. I guess I have no problem with telling you the “what” but I can’t tell you the “why.” It’s something that I’ll have to sit down a think about if I want to find an answer.

That’s the troubling part because I wasn’t born in Canada but I grew up here. Basically, my history started when my family and I landed on Canadian soil. I barely remember much of back home. When I say, “back home” I mean Thailand. I am Cambodian by blood but I was born in Thailand. I’ve never even stepped foot in Cambodia. I know very little of my past and I am not doing much to find out. I cannot know where I’m going if I don’t know where I’ve been.

But anyway, that’s far from the point. What I’m trying to say is that, if I was given a word to define, I do a pretty bad job at it. I have a hard time defining the word clearly enough and sometimes I even confuse myself. I have no idea what I’m saying and most of it is just rambling. I’ve caught myself doing that a few times during job interviews where the things that comes out of my mouth isn’t the same thing as what I’m thinking.

I can go sit down at a job interview and explain the definition of top down programming or how Web 2.0 has changed the way visitors interact with a website but ask me what I look for in a girl and I’ll give you a half ass answer. I’m just an average guy and I really don’t like to stand out above the rest so I give out average answers.

That’s the idea that I’ve thought about throughout my life. The idea of just being average. I’ve always settled for mediocre things and I rarely put out the effect to get something better. I don’t even know if I’m capable of achieving anything better because I’ve never tried. I don’t like taking risks because I’m not willing to lose. Most of my decisions are based on whether the outcome is in my favour, if so, I’m willing to risk a little.

I’m going to have to think hard about what it is in life that I’m looking for. Not knowing the answer to something usually scares me. Everyone out there is probably looking for an answer to something. I may not know what’s in store for me years down the road but I can make it work for me somehow. I just have to know what it is that I want.