Sleepless

For the past few nights, I’ve been having a really hard time falling asleep. Usually, I have no problem sleeping because of the night shifts. And by the time I get home, I can fall asleep right away because I’m so tired (even though I don’t do much). But lately, there has been something on my mind that I can’t seem to shake. Whenever there’s something on my mind, I end up staying awake all night just thinking about it.

The other night (well, I guess it would be morning since I’m just getting off work) I found myself tossing and turning in my bed for a couple of hours. I tried to clear my head so I can get some sleep but no matter what I did, I found myself returning to the same thought over and over again. If you’ve been following my blogs for the past few days, you may have notice a little trend connecting some of the posts. This was my way of getting things out there so I can sleep easier at night because I’ve already addressed the issue. But there was still one thing that I didn’t have an answer to.

There’s a girl that I’ve been thinking about a lot recently. She’s the reason I’m not sleeping lately. It’s because of her that I toss and turn all night. She has been running through my mind day in and day out. Everywhere I go, everything I do, I’m constantly reminded of her. And no matter what I’m thinking about, the very thought of her puts a smile on my face every time. I’ve never met anyone before who was able to make such a big impact.

I haven’t known her for that long but in this short period of time, I’ve gotten to know her fairly well. We chat on MSN late into the night and I find myself talking and losing all sense of time. I don’t know why but it’s like I just want to talk to her all night long. I find myself so immerse into the conversation to the point where I just want to find out more about her.

I use to be the type of guy that wouldn’t act upon his feelings. In the past, there have been a lot of girls that I’ve had feelings for but I wouldn’t do anything about it. I didn’t know what cause those feelings but the reason why I didn’t act upon them was because I was afraid that the girl wouldn’t feel the same way. And I had no idea what I would do if they didn’t feel the same so I just didn’t say anything.

As time passed, I came to realize that every opportunity that I turn down became regrets. I would live my days knowing that I didn’t try to make a move. I don’t know what could have become of those feelings but it’s too late to find out now. But this time around, I didn’t want to let an opportunity slip through my fingers without me doing anything about it. These feelings that I’ve been having were too strong for me to sit around and do nothing about them. I needed to know the answer and I needed to know it now. Otherwise, I’ll just end up kicking myself for not doing anything.

I didn’t know how to tell her about my feelings and I had no idea how she would react. There was a lot going through my mind and things just started to get a little cloudy. I was thinking that I should have done this or I could have done that. And the more I thought about it, the more confused I became. And the more confused that I became, the more I started to think that I might get turned down. Timing seems to be everything and with my luck, my timing is usually off.

I wanted to let her know everything that I’ve been feeling the next time we went out but I didn’t know when exactly that was going to happen. She has a busy schedule during the day and it seems like she’s usually free at night. But during the night, we’re just talking on MSN because I’m at work. I didn’t want to discuss something this personal over MSN. I would prefer to tell her in person because it’s proper to do so. And I wanted to tell her soon because the longer I leave this dangle, the more I will start to doubt myself.

As luck would have it, she brought up the issue. In a way, it was a good thing because now I can get my feelings out into the open. The bad thing was that it happened to be on MSN which was something that I wanted to avoid in the first place. I don’t quite remember how the conversation flowed from one topic to the other but we got started on talking about the flowers that I gave her on Valentine’s Day. And it just so happens that we were talking about this exactly a week after Valentine’s.

On that day, I had to run around town looking for roses because most flower shops were out. I didn’t want to get them ahead of time because they would have dried out before I could deliver them. And the florist in Jackson Square ran out because a group of Chinaman bought the last bunch. The only flowers they had left were red carnations but I thought she deserved better.

Luckily as I was driving home, I saw a flower shop that was still open in Westdale Village. I took it as a good sign so I quickly walked into the store to scope out some roses. They had a lot of red roses left over. Since it was Valentine’s, I thought they were going to be completely out. Not wanting to miss this opportunity, I asked the florist for half a dozen long stemmed roses.

She asked if the roses had any meaning behind them, to which I answered that it did. Then she asked if it meant anything between us. I was a little hesitant to answer because we were talking on MSN but it was a little too late to back out. If I had backed out now, I would have probably backed out when the time came to tell her in person. Nonetheless, I went forward with it and told her that I hoped it could mean a start to something between the two of us.

So now, I have to wait and see how things go. I haven’t been in a relationship for quite some time now so I might be a little sloppy at it but I’m willing to do what it takes. It’s a chance to be with the perfect girl and I don’t want to mess it up. She’s smart, talented and opinionated. She has the best sense of humour that I’ve seen around. And last but not least, she looks pretty hot and sophisticated in a pair of non-prescription fobby glasses.

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