Dear Santa Claus,
I haven’t written to you in a while. Actually, I don’t think I’ve written to you at all but it’s never too late. I’m all grown up now and I’m not a kid anymore so I’m probably not on your list. I don’t know if you have powers to detect if an adult has been naughty or nice so you’re probably wondering which category I fall under.
Well, I’ll let you in on a secret. I’ve been naughty. Not that I could help because there are too many stupid people in this world. Those stupid people were probably once kids that you left lump of coals for. You should have left them a lump of something else, something personal.
But you better not leave me a lump of something personal this year, you fat bastard. When I was little, I was probably the nicest kid in the world and I didn’t receive anything. I was nice all year round and I did my share of good deeds. But those good deeds went unnoticed.
You expect kids around the world to be good all year round but you only reward them once. Have you been good, Santa? I don’t think you have since it was probably you that came to my apartment one night, ate my cookies and drank my milk. And you didn’t leave me anything either. Heck, my friend 2n is still waiting for his present from 1982. We didn’t even have a chimney so how did you get in? Last time I checked, breaking and entering is a crime.
Know what else is a crime? Cruelty to animals. I think you should lose some weight. All those milk and cookies has added too much excess weight on you. If you didn’t weigh so much, maybe you wouldn’t need eight reindeers to pull you.
Since I’ve never received anything from you, I stopped believing in you. You and that ass clown Rudolph. What kind of weird ass reindeer has a light bulb for a nose? Did you genetically alter his DNA so he would turn out like that? You probably have an underground laboratory to conduct genetic research.
If you come to my house this year, make sure you watch the new shingles. We just had them installed this summer. It was a lot of work to get them installed. Of course, what would you know about hard work since you only work once a year. What exactly do you do during your 364 days off? Are you making a list that takes 182 days to complete? And then when you check it twice it takes another 182 days?
Anyway, I hope you have a nice flight on Christmas Eve. Again, lay off the milk and cookies. And please stop calling girls, not one but three times a ho. Mrs. Claus wouldn’t like it if you called her that. It’s just rude.