Pardon me for being so rude

I was talking to a friend the other night and we came across a topic that is considered taboo to some. It’s not a topic that most people talk about because it’s not socially acceptable. I’m talking about farting. Every time this topic comes up, no one says anything specifically to the point. If you were to walk in on a conversation about farting, you would probably have no idea what they’re talking about. The topic is usually covered up by euphemisms.

I have some friends who takes pride in their particularly odiferous emission. One friend in particular takes special pride in his farts. He has one of the deadliest farts around because it sneaks up on you unsuspectingly before it chokes you to death. The only way the victim can be forewarned about it is by the big grin on his face. This grin can put the Joker’s grin to shame. As soon as you see the grin, it’s a sign to get up and leave the area because it’s going to be marked as a biohazard danger zone.

The good thing about it was that we’re not in an enclosed area. He was kind enough to let one loose in an open spaced. It’s worse when he lets it rip while we’re driving in the car. I felt sorry for the guy who was sitting in the Hump.

If you don’t know what the hump is, it’s the passenger that sits in the middle at the back. The guy to the right of the driver is Shotgun, behind him is the Backseat Driver, next to him is the Hump and next to him is the Wingman.

When there’s hazardous gas in the car, the passenger sitting in the Hump position as no where to go. The others have access to a window that can be rolled down but the hump will have to use a home made gas mask. In this case, his shirt. If he’s got a good shirt, it will be sufficient to filter out an odour. If not, he will have to suffer.

The fart is hazards to everyone except the perpetrator. I don’t know why but for some reason you can’t smell your own fart. No matter how foul it is, it has no effect on you. It’s like your immune to it or something. But if your own fart knocks you out, I would suggest you seek out help because something must have crawled up your ass and died.

I wouldn’t want to be caught in an elevator when some one farts. That’s probably the worse place to be when deadly gases are lurking around in the air. An elevator is a confined space with little or not ventilation. If someone lets one rip in there, you might as well start praying. I’ve been in that situation before and let me tell you, I was scared for my life.

My stupid ass friend thought it would be funny to fart before getting off the elevator. Yes, it would have been funny if the elevator didn’t stop a floor early. It was funny and disgusting at the same time. I couldn’t help it but laugh because this poor sap doesn’t know what he’s just walked into. I tried to keep a straight face but almost burst out when the guy started sniffing and coughing. The crazy stuff that teenagers do eh.

Back when I was in grade two, I made a guy cry because I accused him of farting. It was lunch time so we were in the cafeteria having lunch. I had rice with eggs and soy sauce. I wasn’t sure what my friend had but it smelt like eggs. When the smell started to linger around in the air, I looked right at him and said, “Ahhhh man! What did you eat for lunch?” He replied “I had an egg salad sandwich.” “So it was you! Why you fart for? That’s rude!”

I packed up my stuff and moved down the table. The rest of the class saw me and asked why I moved. I told them that my friend farted and I couldn’t eat because it stunk so bad. They started laughing. My friend kept denying it but no one would believe him. I kind of felt sorry for now but he shouldn’t have farted. I don’t know what happened to him. I saw him again at a checker tournament but we didn’t talk much. We just greet each other and asked which school we went. That’s how we found we that we went to the same school. I didn’t want to say much in case it brought up the farting incident.

Nowadays, no one is ashamed when they fart, at least not my friends. They let a loud one rip and won’t even care. It’s loud enough to shake the table so it’s a big one. Sometimes they’ll even have a completion to see who’s got the stinkiest fart. I won’t want to known as the guy with the stinkiest fart in the group. But for some people, being number one is what counts. No matter what the category is.

5 thoughts on “Pardon me for being so rude

  1. fart game rule, DO IT…. but remember do not release a silence one OK.. hehehhe.. wanna know how i do it when is time, ready here i go.. just kidding.. but a fews time when friends around and is time to for me to let’s it out, i just don’t do it rite away, i’ll get their attention first, by tell them to shut up and listen… Me-> “Guy do you hear something” …. they said “No i don’t hear anything” Me-> “You sure”.. Now is the right time to do it… yah

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