Where do I go?

I am finding myself quoting Shakespeare all too often lately. It is true what my grade 12 English teacher said. He mentioned that once I get older, I will start to see allusion to Shakespeare all over the place. I wasn’t interested in Shakespeare’s work at the time and I found it a little boring so I thought nothing of it. That wasn’t until I started college. After that, his writing showed up everywhere. It could be seen in the newspaper, on people’s shirts, on advertisements, just about everywhere I looked I saw Shakespeare’s word.

Lately, the quote, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so” has been lingering around in my head. It’s from the play Hamlet, which is one of Shakespeare’s play that I spent a lot of time on so I am somewhat familiar with it. I’ve been doing a lot of contemplating lately about things. Whether it’s regarding life in general, relationships, or career, I think I’ve thought about it in some way. In all issues, I have failed to come to a conclusion.

Regarding life in general, I have no idea where I am going. I am doing so many different things that I’ve lost track of where I am. At the moment, all that I am doing is wasting time playing around with things. Not a single day goes by that I don’t asking myself, “What’s going on?” I lay in bed thinking about the answers to that question but I end up just falling asleep before I can think of anything. Sometimes, I just stay up late so I don’t have to think about it. When I do take the time to think of something, I just don’t feel like answering. Nothing wants to pop into my head. It’s just a blank.

Regarding relationships, I don’t think I take the time to start one up. Every time someone asks me about finding a girlfriend, I tell them I don’t have time. When in actuality, I have more than enough time. I spend the majority of my days sleeping and wasting time on the computer when I could have easily devoted those hours towards starting up something. But after my last failed relationship, I just don’t have the motivation to get into another relationship. I have other things to focus on, so in a way, I am always finding some excuse not to start. It’s either that or I’m afraid to start one up. But I know that I will have to work on this soon because I really don’t want to have to get married to someone that my family sets me up with. Or even worse, someone that I know nothing about at all.

Regarding my career, I should be starting a career in programming right about now but I’m not. I’m stuck doing mediocre jobs that are getting me by. Ever since I started working, my jobs have been part time jobs. I’ve moved around from one job to another so many times that I’ve gotten use to the part time hours. When I hear that a full time position is opening with some company, I’m afraid to go for it. Sometimes, I doubt the skills that I have even though I know that it is more than enough to get me the job. Right now, I am working at a job where I am over qualified to do but I don’t mind it. I think the fact that because I don’t mind doing it, is making me continue to do so. I am making myself believe that this job will do just for now. I know that I am capable of doing better but I’ve always saw myself as being average.

Back when I was younger, I didn’t want to be better than anyone else because I was afraid of how it made the other person might feel. I think that throughout my life I’ve been more considerate of other people than of myself. I make an attempt to put others before me. This has gone on for so long that it has become second nature to me. So no matter how well I did in school, I made it appear as if I did okay. I wouldn’t make it a big thing if I got the highest mark in the class because I know that there are people whose marks are lower than mind. I never wanted to be up at the top where only a few people are. I wanted to be down a few rungs lower where the average person was. I don’t know why but I always down play my qualities.

At my current job, the pay is good but I don’t work that often. I’m living from pay cheque to pay cheque. Every penny that I make goes towards bills, bills and more bills. I don’t remember when I went out and spend money on entertainment. Heck, I don’t recall the last time I just went out and had fun. I haven’t been on vacation in such a long time that I’m starting to stress out over the little things. The more I think about it, the more I get depressed because I don’t know where I’m going in life. I’ve veered off track so much that I don’t know how to get back. It might take a while before I get back on the right path.

All the thinking that I am doing isn’t helping much. Alluding back to the quotation, the more thinking I do, the worse things seem to get. And it’s true, that the more you think about it the more excuses you’ll fine not to do it. Anyone who has thought about doing something will eventually come to the conclusion that they will not do it because they find more reasons not to. A lot of people do that everyday and may not notice it. I’m sure everyone plays the “Should have, could have?” game.

I know that my blogs appear to be getting longer and longer but I guess I have a lot to say. I didn’t talk much when I was younger. I was probably the quietest kid in the world. I pretty much kept everything bottled up inside. Whether it is something that made me angry or something that made me happy, I just didn’t say anything about it. So I guess this is my way of making up for that. And it wasn’t because I was secretive about everything. It’s just that I thought that people didn’t really need to know about it.

If you’ve managed to get through this whole blog, I do thank you for taking the time to read it. I will try to keep my entries close to a thousand words from now on. But at the moment, I am a little lost so if anyone has the map for the road of life, would you mind lending it to me for a while?