Sometimes, when I look in the mirror, I don’t recognize the guy who’s staring back at me. There are times when I get this strange feeling like the person looking back at me is someone else. I can’t explain the feeling exactly but it’s like a feeling of confusion. I rarely get this feeling but when it hits, it just boggles my mind.
Tonight was a rather slow night at work. I went through most of the trouble tickets fairly quickly. The only thing left to do was make some test calls for quality. I wanted to wait until it was a good time to call the other countries. It’s pointless to call them if they’re half asleep because I won’t get a good answer. But anyway, I took a little break so I went over to the window to see what was going on outside. It’s Saturday night so the bars across the street was probably the most happening places in this area. When I walked over to Subway, I saw that the place was packed with girls. There were probably a few guys but I don’t recall seeing any. I do recall seeing the ladies though and they were dressed to impress. They impressed me, that’s for sure.
Anyways, I get to the window, staring out for a bit and then I catch my reflection. Because it’s dark outside and bright in the office, the window becomes more like a mirror. As I start to walk away, I took one last glance out the window. That’s when it hit. I saw myself in the reflection and I started to get confused. I’m staring at my face but momentarily, I had no clue who I was looking at. It was as if I saw my face for the very first time. Then I started wondering if the person I saw was me. I don’t know if there’s a word for this feeling but when I find it, I’m probably interested in reading more about it. It’s like deja vu where you get the sense that an event happened already.
This feeling is almost like that feeling when you repeat a word a few hundred times. After saying it so often you start to think that the word you’re saying isn’t even a word anymore. I’m not sure if anyone has had that feeling before but I do sometimes. That’s why I don’t like to repeat myself so often. If I do, it’ll feel like what I’m saying doesn’t make any sense.
When I got the feeling that I was looking at a stranger, there were a bunch of questions that popped into my head. “Who’s that? Is that me? Is that what I look like? Why do I look like that?” No answers popped into my head, only questions. And I didn’t know where to start. I had no clue what to do. But this feeling didn’t last long. After a minute or so, I started to get a grip on reality and accepted the fact that I’m just tired and my mind is playing tricks on me. Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something. Maybe it’s saying that I don’t know who I am right now. In a way, it’s true. I don’t know what I want in life. I don’t know where I’m heading. I’m living my life from day to day. I rarely make plans for the future. If someone was to ask me what I was doing next week, I would simply reply, “I don’t know.” I honestly don’t have a clue what I’m going to do.
I’m at that point in my life where I should start worrying about the future. I should start thinking about settling down and starting a family. Every time a relative sees me, they all ask the same questions, “When are you going to get married?” To that, I don’t have an answer. When I was younger, I pictured my life to be different. I always thought that by the time I was twenty-five, I would be out on my own, working at a good job and having a girl by my side. As of yet, I’m not out on my own, I work at an okay job and I’m single. So much for that plan, eh.
I think once I start to realize that I have to get a move on, maybe then I’ll be living the life that I dreamt of. But it seems as if something is stopping me from living that life. I’m not sure what is it yet but it’s a journey that I’m willing to take in order to find out. We all travel down our own path and what we make out of life is what defines us as an individual. I have yet to discover who I am and where I’m going. We all have some sort of purpose in life. Right now, my purpose to get some questions answered. It seems as if during my whole life all I’ve been doing is asking questions but not getting an answer. I believe that once I get past that stage, I’ll be ready to live my life to the fullest.