Silence

I’ve always been afraid when everything goes quiet. If I don’t hear a single sound, I’m under the impression that something is wrong or something is going to go wrong. Silence makes me feel very uncomfortable. Sometimes it’s good to get some piece and quiet but being a city guy, I need some sort of noise to ensure me that something is occurring.

As I am typing out this blog, my computer’s CPU fan is spinning at 7200rpm and it is making enough noise to let me know that it is on. With every letter being typed, there are the noises of my fingers hitting the keys. I have Winamp running and I am currently listening to Liu Yue De Yu by Hu Ge. I am surrounded by noise so I get this feeling that everything is working fine. If I was to turn on my computer and not hear my fan, I would think that something is no right because there’s no noise coming from the case. If I wanted to listen to music on my computer and I don’t hear anything when I press play, I will think that my soundcard is messed up.

I was reading ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’ and I am currently at the part where Morrie walks into the classroom, sits down and doesn’t say a word. After a few minutes, Morrie asks “What’s happening here?” Then the class starts a discussion about silence on human relations. They talk about why we are comfortable with all the noise and are embarrassed by silence. Personally, I find it that silence is a sign of trouble.

A few years ago, I was seeing someone. We dated for about four months before deciding to end it. Our relationship started out okay. We talked, spent a little time alone together, went out, you know, stuff that girlfriend and boyfriend normally do. But then one day things started to get a little quiet. This was around the time that exams were going on. During times of stress, it is very comforting to hear a familiar voice. But I never got the chance to hear that voice. I had exams every day of the week so I didn’t have time to call her. She had exams too so I didn’t want to bother her.

Day after day, I await a phone call, even if it was a phone call to say something as simple as a ‘Hello!’ But as the end of the week neared, my phone never rang. Being stressed out from exams and being depress doesn’t go hand in hand. Days went by and we started to drift apart because things between us weren’t going anywhere. My other friends, who were in a relationship, they were acting the way that girlfriends and boyfriends should be acting. Spending time together, calling each other and just having fun. But that wasn’t happening in my relationship.

I had to call her up one day to find out what was going on because we weren’t communicating as much as we should be. She came over and we talked but it wasn’t for long. I could sort of see it in her body language that she wanted to tell me something but it wasn’t coming out. Knowing her, she wasn’t the type to speak up when it comes to personal matters and I wasn’t going to force it out of her.

Then one summer night, I get a call asking if I wanted to go for a walk. I asked her if it was okay because it was getting late and it looked liked it was going to rain. Then she said she’ll call me back. At the back of my mind I’m thinking, ‘Uh oh, something doesn’t feel right.’ But then she called back a minute later and said she will come pick me up shortly.

We get to the harbour front and talk for a bit. I told her that a friend wanted me to go visit her in Ottawa and she replied by saying that I should go. I started thinking, ‘Why does my girlfriend want me to go visit another girl, out of town?” So I asked her, “What’s going on between us? Are we okay?” That’s when she hinted that she didn’t want to be in the relationship no more. Given the events of the last few months, I saw no reason to fight to stay in the relationship. So we ended it. I walked her back to her car but I was in no mood to get into it. We hugged, said a few words and she drove off. And you know what? It ended almost like it did in the movies. It started to rain and I was walking home in it.

Before we parted, I asked, “If the opportunity came, could I get another chance in the future?” “That’s the future so we’ll have to see about that when it comes.” I doubted the time would ever come. But if it did, It’ll never the same the second time around. From this I learned that communication is the key to a long lasting relationship. No matter what happens, as long as you’re able to talk it out, you’ll make it through.